*** Happy Birthday Daddy ***

Today is my daddy's birthday! :D When I was still kid I remember celebreating my dad's birthday by waking up early and preparing the gift that we hid under the sofa. Mommy will then wake my dad up, and I will just literally throw myself up on him and give the gift. God... I miss those days. I really do. And those memories are kept forever in a special place in my heart.

I remember the last birthday that my daddy celebrated with us. All of the his side of the family were there. For the first time, we were complete, all aunts and uncles, cousins and grandchildren were swarming our big house. :D Everybody was busy, everybody was chatting and there was laughing everywhere. Both sides of the family were present and happy. Neither of us knew that a month after happy day, we will all be together for the burial of daddy.

I remember him eating lechon with my aunt. He was wearing a blue - striped shirt. (I used to keep it, but through out the years, and all the moving, I have lost it ), and white jogging pants. He was paralyzed from the stroke that he had 5 years earlier, but showed a lot of progress. My dad was a fighter. He always was. At a very young age, he went to the United States alone to give his family a good life. He met an English girl, got married and had a son, my Kuya Junior. Unfortunately, Aunt Teddy (his first wife) died, and three years before I was born, Kuya Junior also died. (He went diving and never had the chance to go up again - his body was declared missing and was proclaimed dead in 1980).

My dad decided to go back to the Philippines, and met my mom in 1977. They had me in 1980. I had him until that fateful day in October , 1992. Some 14 years ago.

You know there are times that I wish my dad would have still been alive today. I know that he will be very proud of my sons. I know he'd become a grandpa spoiler, and would spoil my children to death. Hehehe...But that's just the way that he is.

I remember every morning that we are together in our backyard waiting for my school bus to come. He would talk to me, and play with our Tuffy and Sweety, whom he fondly calls Pal. I remember him calling me LL for Little Love, the way that he would tell me stories about his life in the states, I miss all of that. I miss him so much.

Dearest Daddy,

I miss you so much. I wish you're here right now to help me go through all of these things. I know that somehow, I have disappointed you, and I know that I have hurt you in a lot of ways. But really, I am trying to be the best person that I can be. I find it so hard to stand up on my own, yet and still, I am trying. Its hard and there are times that I feel like giving up already, but I cant. In some ways, I wanna be like you and do the things that you did. I want to pursue my own goal of going to the United States, to live there, to work there just like you. I want to walk the streets that you walked on, and I want to see your old house in San Francisco. I want you to be proud of me. And I know that I cant do this alone, I need you and mom to help me focus on my goals, and achieve my dreams.

Things are really gonna be a lot different if you're still here now. But then again, I have my two precious ones now. Hayyy... if you can see them, I know you will be very proud of them. Sajie sometimes looks like you, and is smart as you. He's turning 4 next year, and will soon start studying. Nicko is turning 2 this December, and sometimes, I also see you in him. I named him after you by the way... :D He's like his Kuya, only he's more quiet. I wish you can see them and hear them call you Lolo. Sajie asks about you a lot... he asks if you're in heaven and you have lots of candy... hehehe...

I want you to meet Sam. How I know you will approve of his attitude, and how you will say our personalities are totally the opposites! I want to you to talk to him to tell him what I want. To give him the strenght and the courage to pursue his own goals. I want you to tell him to not be afraid to pursue his dreams. I know, you will really, really like him. :D

I want you to talk to mommy.... I want you to touch her heart... Tell her that even if I already have my own family, I still need her. I still need a mom. I want you to tell her that even if most of the times I'm stubborn, I still need her guidance and her support.

Daddy, I still wish your here. I want you to help me find my place in this world. I want you to tell me what to do. I f I can ask God to allow to you to talk to me just for the last time, I will do that. I want to see you. I want to hug you. I want to tell you how much I miss you, and how much I love you. And the one thing that I would really want is for you and mom to be proud of me. To tell me, that even if I did some things that were not right, I was able to go through it. Just like you. Help me daddy, please.

I love you Daddy.... Happy, happy birthday!

Love,

LL, Sam, Sajie and Nicko