*** :( ***

Ewan ko, hindi ko alam. Bakit ba ako ganito? Ano bang problema ko? OA na ba ako? Ewan ko... hindi ko talaga alam eh. Im trying hard na maging normal ako,pero alam mo ion? Ion feeling na pinipilit mong maging ok pero alam mo naman na hindi ka talaga ok eh. Na somehow, pinipilit mong umarte na wala ka talagang nararamdaman, pero ang totoo, iba - iba na iong emotion na nasa loob mo. Na sa dame eh, hindi mo na alam kung ano iong totoo mong nararamdaman kase halo-halo na eh.

Ang hirap kase eh. Ewan ko. Ang dameng nangyari the last days. Isama mo na iang bagyo at ian napakahabang brown out! Jusko. Parusa talaga. Bakit kung kelan kelangan na kelangan ko ng ilaw eh chaka nawala? Bakit kung kelan nanginginig ako sa takot eh chaka naman nagkanito ang panahon. Pasensha na, alam kong hindi nio naiintindihan. Gusto ko man sabihen talaga kung ano iong nangyari, eh nahihirapan po talaga akong isulat ion. Gusto ko man ilabas iong nararamdaman ko, eh ang hirap - hirap talaga. Hindi ako normal. Hindi ito tama. At sinusubkan ko naman talaga iovercome, pero ang hirap. Hindi ko makakalimutan ion.

Sabe ng isang kaibigan ko, mukhang natrauma talaga ako. Sabe ng mommy ko, it will take time getting used to. Sabe ni Sam, kelangan ko lakasan ko iong loob ko.

Alam ko naman lahat ion eh. Alam ko ion. Pero iba kase. Iba talaga. Ang hirap talaga. Hindi pa nga nagsisink in sa ken eh. Hindi ako comfortable. Hindi ako maayos. Wala ako sa ayos. Pero sinusubukan kong umayos. Pag nagkaron na talaga ako ng lakas ng loob, in time, isusulat ko ren ion. Kung bakit ako nagkaganito.

*** Kung OK Lang Sa Yo ***

Kung OK Lang Sa Yo

by: True Faith

Di malaman kung ano ang gagawin,

Sa damdamin na 'di ko maamin

Sa sarili

Kung bakit ka pa ba nandiyan

Sabi-sabi ng mga kaibigan ko

Huwag mong pilitin ang 'di para sa 'yo

Ngunit bakit hindi kita malimutan

Sa 'yo ba'y OK lang

*

Habang tumatagal, lumalala, laging nagwawala

Tumitindi, umiinit, sumasakit ang dibdib

Kaya ako'y gumawa ng awiting ito na alay ko sa 'yo

At sana'y pakinggan mo

Huwag ka sanang magugulat sa akin

'Di ako sanay sa ganitong suliranin

Huwag kang matakot hindi ako manloloko

Kung OK lang sa 'yo

*

Ngayong alam mo na, sana'y 'di ka mainis

At pasensya na kung ako ay makulit

Pero kung gusto mo, ako na lang ang lalayo

Kung OK lang sa 'yo

*/*

Kung OK lang sa 'yo

*** Random Thoughts 09.30.06 ***

I was supposed to write about something else, but right now, everything is just too fresh for me. I've had 2 long days, and I just cant find the right words. I dont even know how to begin. I tried putting it into writing. Hindi ko talaga kaya. Ang hirap. Ang bigat. Sooner or later, I will have the courage to write about it. And when that time comes, I hope I'm back to my normal self. Basta, ang hirap talaga.

*********

The typhoon was so strong. As in. Its a good thing, it hit Thursday, and that was my day off. There was no lights, and no water. Gosh! We still dont have any electricity, and it has been two days! Ever since I lived in Parañaque, this is the longest black out ever!

*********

My birthday is 4 days away.... I dont think I can celebrate it the way that I want to. I will explain myself when I have the courage to write about what happened already.

*********

Haayyy.... Sana magkailaw at magkatubig na.

*********

Sana maging normal na ang lahat.

*** A bunch of $@#!@$@ ***

I am soooooo in a bad mood today. And I thought I'll be fine, but I am not. I just dont understand how some people can be such a pain in the @$$! Really! Grrr.... How some people do not even listen and how some people think that what they know is always right! They refuse to accept corrections! They refuse to accept resolutions! Grrrr! Grrr !

*** Random Thoughts Today ***

*********

I feel so lazy and tired today... Last night I wasn't able to sleep early because I watched TV, I found it so difficult to actually wake up today. My eyes are getting heavier and heavier by the minute and I am having a hard time preventing my eyes from closing.

*********

Will not do call outs today. I wanna rest as well. Miss the kids so much, dont have much time for them because of the call outs. Will make it up to them today. Hooray!!!

*********

Sam is gonna pick me up today. Im just so tired and lazy.

*********

Its raining cats and dogs today. I guess the weather is also going along with my mood. Its 2:30 pm, yet it seems that it's 6:00 because of the dark skies. At least, tonight will be a little cooler. Whatever. Nonesense.

*********

I am pigging out today.

*********

Payday is like 6 days away. Sheeeeeessssshhhhh!

*********

I want to go to Panglao! I want to go to the beach on my birthday! 2 weeks and a half before my birthday! Cant belive that I am that old already! Nyahahahahahaha!

*********

Will go wall climbing with my friends... still dont know when...

*********

Badly needs to clean my room and my cabinet. Grabeeeh! Kulang na lang spiders in my closet sa sobrang gulo! Goodness! Cant find the things that I need! Am gulo kase eh! Sobra!

*********

Lalim ng blog ni Sourgirl. Wala ako masabe. Parang hindi halata na may pinapatamaan ren eh.

*********

Need to finish the pattern that I am doing!

*********

Need to go to Divisioria ASAP! Hopefully before the Christmas rush!

*********

Am considering to go to this year's Christmas party. Who knows, this may be my last year in this office. By next year, hopefully, I am out there somewhere with real snow already! Nyahahahahaha.... *My lips are sealed*

*********

Ano kaya ang magandang gift sa mga friends ko dito sa office? Isip...isip...

*********

Si cd_cortez is resigning come October *sigh* Wala na naman ako makukulit! *sigh*

*********

AYAKO NA TALAGA MAG CALLS! GUSTO KO NG EMAILS! PAGING PAGING SUP! PAKIBASA LANG PO!

*********

*** Call Center Work ***

Since Sunday, I have been helping the recruitment department in doing the phone screening for prospective applicants. Yeah, well, they have this incentive program at work in where if you volunteer at least 2 - 4 hours / day, you get paid. Of course, I have to take advantage of this as I will not be getting my monthly bonus for September because of that f@#$@$# store manager (that's a completely different story), Well anyway, since Sunday, I have been extending 4 hours on top of my regular shift to call applicants, and schedule them for an exam. It's easier to talk to them, than to talk to customers who dont know how to listen, and each of them has their own story and why they need to work.

Some of them are downright awful, (Im sorry, but I guess that's the best word to describe) some of them are brainy. Some of them are confident, the others are not. Some do not know what their saying, others are exaggerating, and some are really trying so hard. I average at around 70++ calls per day, and honestly, out of the 70 calls (including the no contact's and the bad numbers), I qualify 4 - 5 at the most. There was a day that I wasn't able to qualify a single person.

Not that my standards are high. It's just I'm following the standards that were set by the recruitment department. For me, if you can speak in English and has confidence, I will qualify you, no questions asked. But then again, if you cant even understand what I am saying, better that you find another job.

That's why I'm thinking, why is it that there are some people that look down on the people that are working in a call center? I know of some who degrades people working in this industry. I just ask them, why?

People who work in a call center sacrifice good sleep and normal body clocks and family time just to have food on their table. I was doing this screening, and it made me realize that it is really, really hard to get a job in a call center. (not just our call center, but other call centers as well) It takes more than speaking English. You have to have good grammar, good pronunciation and brains to pass. I'm not saying that I am a perfect English speaker, soplak din ako paminsan - minsan. But then again, I have been working in a call center for 3 years already, so I know I'm not that bad either.

I just dont understand it. Bakit kaya ang baba ng tingin nila sa mga call center agents? Hubby and I are both working in a call center, and because of this, we can pay the house rent, the yaya, the bills. We can buy what we need, and we still have a little extra to actually take the kids to Jollibee or Mc Donalds every once in a while. In short, we're comfortable. Although, not really that well off, we're alright I guess.

But I have to admit. May iba talaga na sobra ren naman kase. Iong tipong kahit wala na sa trabaho eh sobrang yabang ng magsalita.... ion bang tipong sa jeep or sa tricyle eh hala, sige English lang ng English! Kahit mali - mali na at wala ng sense iong sinasabe eh salita pa ren ng salita! May mga taong ganon. Mayayabang, mahahangin... pero hindi naman lahat eh.

Ion nga ang sinasabe ko. Lahat naman kase tayo pinaghihirapan ang work naten. So sana, wag naman mag maliit ng mga tao na nagtratrabaho sa call center. Each person working in a call center has his own story, own struggle to overcome, and own goals to acheive. Eh come to think of it, (I'm not bragging), minsan mas mataas pa nga ang sweldo namen sa iba eh. Pero pare-pareho naman tayong naghihirap para sa mga sweldo naten. Others may find it easy to just sit in front of the computer and to talk all night long. Uyyy... hindi madali ion ah! Hindi madali na may suot kang headset buong gabe (Masakit ion sa tenga) at mas lalong hindi madali iong maligo ka sa mura at sigaw ng mga customers noh. Siguro nga, we really dont use our brains that much, (but I guess that depends on what you are doing ren...) but then again, pinaghihirapan ren naman namen lahat ng meron kame eh.

*** I did it already!!! ***

*wink*wink* Yahoo!!! I did it already!!! Yesterday, went to glorietta with hubby, and we went to his favorite store (it's turning out to be my favorite store as well :D), Tobys. I am looking for a new pair of rubber shoes ( I need it badly!), but I wasn't able to find one that I want. There was a mini sports tournament that was going on, and getting bored (as I always am!), I saw the wall climbing area... I dared myself to try that, since I have been wanting to do that for the longest time, and at long last, I finally had the courage to try it! Nyahahahaha....At first I thought, it was, yah know, easy... the first path that I tried was fairly easy, the rocks were positioned next to each other and it wasn't that high. I finished it in no time at all, with no sweat! :D Even the second path was easier than the first path. But the third path was so high (I was thinking it was as high as our apartment) and the rocks were apart. The instructor told me to try this path, and I knew this is where the challenge will come in. There were even some badminton players watching me, and yah know, giving me the moral support. :D :D :D...

I climbed, and at around 5 feet, it was pretty easy, but my arms were already failing me, and my grip was not that strong anymore. Even so, I still wanted to prove to myself that I know I can climb the top of the wall. There were a few times that I struggled halfway through the wall, and there was a time when I honestly thought I was about to fall, but then again, I steadily regained my balance, when I was three fourths up, I really thought I could not do it at all. I was shouting "Ayako na! Hindi ko na kaya" But the folks down, which includes the instructor, hubby and the badminton player were saying "Kaya mo ian!" Then I said, "O sige na nga, eh di kaya ko". The instructor told me to hold on to whatever I can grasp, since I was a first timer, that was allowed. I grabbed onto the railing and held onto it while I reach for the rock. And I became so ecstatic as I reached for the top. :D When I reached the top... I felt like I have already reached the top of a mountain.... Okay, so I am exagerating a little. Hehehehe... To be honest, when I reached the top I didn't even know what to do. Hehehe... I called the instructor and he told me to get ready to go down and to rapell, like what they do in the movies... I did that, and I enjoyed it so much... To go up was so hard, but to go down was the best! Honey was even teasing me that I enjoyed it to much that even if the instructor wasn't ready yet, I wanted to go down already. :D

When I went down, the badminton player who was watching me congratulated me for a job well done. He even said "Kaya mo naman pala eh! See? Malay mo ikaw ang first ever Filipina to climb Mout Everest. Good Job! Congartulations!" We were laughing as he was saying this, but then again, I was proud. At least, for a first timer, I guess I did well. It's just that my arms were failing me already, and they were also loosing their strength. Honey told me not to go up anymore, because I cant already, I tried, but my grip started slipping, and I thought it was just better to rest it off and do it again the next time. I really enjoyed that experience and I am planning to go back and do it again. Maybe we can do it at Rockwell, and maybe I can talk honey into doing it as well. :D

*** My Wedding Day ***

If it would have pushed through... today should've have been our wedding day. :C We initially planned to wed on September 9, 2005, but we moved it to December 9, then we moved it to September 9. :C

Honestly, I feel bad that it didn't push through. Honestly, we were I guess, half way the preparations, we know the theme that we want, we know who will consist of the entourage, you know, we have already started with the preparations, the guest list, etc. We even have a photographer already. But I guess, God has his own plans.

All day, I have been thinking about the events that should've have been happening today. :C It sucks, but I guess, in God's own good time, the marriage between me and Sam will eventually push through.

*** 11 Painful Things... ***

11. Bringing back the feeling you have learned to forget

10. Reminscing the good times

09. Trying to hide what you really feel

08. Loving someone who loves another

07. Having a committment with someone that you know wouldn't last

06. Sheilding your heart to love somebody

05. Loving a person too much

04. Right love at the wrong time

03. Taking the risk to fall in love again

02. Accepting that it was never meant to be

01. What if?!?

*** Quotes for the Day ***

I learned to love someone with all my life...
But there came a point where I got tired not of loving, but of sacrifing all that I have...
Then a thought came to my mind...
I have given everything but have received nothing but pain and tears in return,
Is this enough to prove that I really love that person?
Or is it a sign telling me to stop sacrificing and learn to love myself a little more?

"Never let go of anyone that you couldn't go a day without thinking about...
There just might be a very good reason why this person is always on your mind...
Sometimes, it's the brain that knows too well, what the heart tries so hard to deny..."

*** Happy Birthday Daddy ***

Today is my daddy's birthday! :D When I was still kid I remember celebreating my dad's birthday by waking up early and preparing the gift that we hid under the sofa. Mommy will then wake my dad up, and I will just literally throw myself up on him and give the gift. God... I miss those days. I really do. And those memories are kept forever in a special place in my heart.

I remember the last birthday that my daddy celebrated with us. All of the his side of the family were there. For the first time, we were complete, all aunts and uncles, cousins and grandchildren were swarming our big house. :D Everybody was busy, everybody was chatting and there was laughing everywhere. Both sides of the family were present and happy. Neither of us knew that a month after happy day, we will all be together for the burial of daddy.

I remember him eating lechon with my aunt. He was wearing a blue - striped shirt. (I used to keep it, but through out the years, and all the moving, I have lost it ), and white jogging pants. He was paralyzed from the stroke that he had 5 years earlier, but showed a lot of progress. My dad was a fighter. He always was. At a very young age, he went to the United States alone to give his family a good life. He met an English girl, got married and had a son, my Kuya Junior. Unfortunately, Aunt Teddy (his first wife) died, and three years before I was born, Kuya Junior also died. (He went diving and never had the chance to go up again - his body was declared missing and was proclaimed dead in 1980).

My dad decided to go back to the Philippines, and met my mom in 1977. They had me in 1980. I had him until that fateful day in October , 1992. Some 14 years ago.

You know there are times that I wish my dad would have still been alive today. I know that he will be very proud of my sons. I know he'd become a grandpa spoiler, and would spoil my children to death. Hehehe...But that's just the way that he is.

I remember every morning that we are together in our backyard waiting for my school bus to come. He would talk to me, and play with our Tuffy and Sweety, whom he fondly calls Pal. I remember him calling me LL for Little Love, the way that he would tell me stories about his life in the states, I miss all of that. I miss him so much.

Dearest Daddy,

I miss you so much. I wish you're here right now to help me go through all of these things. I know that somehow, I have disappointed you, and I know that I have hurt you in a lot of ways. But really, I am trying to be the best person that I can be. I find it so hard to stand up on my own, yet and still, I am trying. Its hard and there are times that I feel like giving up already, but I cant. In some ways, I wanna be like you and do the things that you did. I want to pursue my own goal of going to the United States, to live there, to work there just like you. I want to walk the streets that you walked on, and I want to see your old house in San Francisco. I want you to be proud of me. And I know that I cant do this alone, I need you and mom to help me focus on my goals, and achieve my dreams.

Things are really gonna be a lot different if you're still here now. But then again, I have my two precious ones now. Hayyy... if you can see them, I know you will be very proud of them. Sajie sometimes looks like you, and is smart as you. He's turning 4 next year, and will soon start studying. Nicko is turning 2 this December, and sometimes, I also see you in him. I named him after you by the way... :D He's like his Kuya, only he's more quiet. I wish you can see them and hear them call you Lolo. Sajie asks about you a lot... he asks if you're in heaven and you have lots of candy... hehehe...

I want you to meet Sam. How I know you will approve of his attitude, and how you will say our personalities are totally the opposites! I want to you to talk to him to tell him what I want. To give him the strenght and the courage to pursue his own goals. I want you to tell him to not be afraid to pursue his dreams. I know, you will really, really like him. :D

I want you to talk to mommy.... I want you to touch her heart... Tell her that even if I already have my own family, I still need her. I still need a mom. I want you to tell her that even if most of the times I'm stubborn, I still need her guidance and her support.

Daddy, I still wish your here. I want you to help me find my place in this world. I want you to tell me what to do. I f I can ask God to allow to you to talk to me just for the last time, I will do that. I want to see you. I want to hug you. I want to tell you how much I miss you, and how much I love you. And the one thing that I would really want is for you and mom to be proud of me. To tell me, that even if I did some things that were not right, I was able to go through it. Just like you. Help me daddy, please.

I love you Daddy.... Happy, happy birthday!

Love,

LL, Sam, Sajie and Nicko